We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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