rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
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