I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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