i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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