you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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