Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
