My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Still dying that you shit outside
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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