his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
