I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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