Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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