Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Randomize
