I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
