I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dignity is for republicans.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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