I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
