I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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