I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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