i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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