There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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