I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
