You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
