The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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