God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm both gender and math confused
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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