He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
