Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
