I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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