She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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