I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
