So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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