How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
