You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
