But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
