I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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