Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I could fuck to npr.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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