Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
