somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
