Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Apparently you make a good broom.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
