Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
