i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
