your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
