My liver just broke up with me...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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