he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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