no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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