I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
