i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
