i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
