it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
