He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
