ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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