hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
