Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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