xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
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We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
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I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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