apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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