Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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