apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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