It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
