I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
