You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
