Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
