Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
