Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
